They Call My Daughter Bossy…

They call my daughter bossy.

“Geez,” I think, “Guess I better fix that!”

So, I observe my oldest daughter while she is interacting with peers, and I see this soon-to-be eight year old telling kids what to do, correcting others when they do something wrong, and always stating her own opinion. I wonder, “How do I fix bossy?” Do I tell her to worry only about herself? Should I tell her to mind her own business, when people do naughty things around her? Do I insist she keep her opinions to herself? In the long run, I feel that is all terrible advice.

They call my daughter bossy, but maybe she is a developing leader. Instead of reprimanding her for being bossy, I’ve decided to coach her into being a more effective leader. To start, we chatted about the difference between being bossy and being a leader. To accomplish this I used these four descriptors of quality leadership to guide our discussion.

Act first with empathy

When you are bossy, you get upset, angry, or frustrated, when you don’t get your way. These emotions are natural, but we should always be careful not to react based on these feelings alone.

As a leader, you think about situations from other points of view.  Often times, feelings like anger or frustration emerge because we are focusing only on how the situation is affecting us. When we take a moment to consider the feelings of the other individuals involved, it helps us to respond in a way that can help make everyone happier.

Hear AND listen

When you are bossy, you do whatever you want regardless of what the people say. When you hear people around you share their ideas, and proceed without thinking about their input, you can’t be sure you are making the best decision.

As a leader, you know that hearing and listening are actually vastly different. Hearing, is the process of your auditory functions communicating to your brain that voices or noises are present in your surroundings. While listening, on the other hand, requires your brain to make sense of the voices and noises and respond based on this new input. Good leaders listen to the people around them, and then make decisions once they have gathered information.

Correct injustices

When you are bossy, you get involved in situations that may not involve you. Picking sides or telling someone how to solve a problem can sometimes cause additional turmoil.

As a leader, you advocate for people being treated unfairly and support people who have made a mistake. Rather than scolding or pointing fingers, you can provide more effective support by asking how you can help. This way, you avoid inserting yourself, and your opinion, into a situation and you can respond in a way that will be most beneficial to everyone involved.

Develop new leaders

When you are bossy, you feel threatened or intimidated by other individuals who try to lead and this response causes a power struggle. Engaging in a power struggle wastes time and can be a sign of weakness.

As a leader, you recognize that working with other leaders helps you learn and serves as motivation. Great leaders are inspired by passionate individuals with new ideas. Surrounding yourself with people who lift you up and encourage you to improve, makes you stronger as a person and a leader.

—

This experience with my daughter offered two major takeaways. First, as parents and educators, our reaction to a child’s developing personality can have implications reaching farther than their next play date. In our efforts to teach our child how to be appropriate or compliant, we may inadvertently give bad advice. Ultimately, I want to develop human beings who will contribute positively to the local and global community and “mind your own business” does not feel like an effective pathway to accomplish that goal.

Second, this situation provided an interesting lens to reflect upon my thoughts regarding quality leadership.  What characteristics or descriptors did I miss? What other components of effective leadership should we be teaching and modeling for the children in our care?